You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
