I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
