Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
