his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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