She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
