So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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