You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
this boner is exhausting
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
