I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
