the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
