Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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