So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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