I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sponge bath it is.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
