i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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