he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
