also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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