she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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