I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
