Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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