I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
