On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
