Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
