If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
