It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
