when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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