are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
