chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
