We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
