So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
