Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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