how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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