My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
