i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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