If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
