i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
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Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
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My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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