Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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