he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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