I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
