hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
