What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
