oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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