dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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