Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
