is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
