it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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