This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
