Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
