There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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