Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
