So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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