i don't like sucking hair
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
