Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
