Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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