You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
