We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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