____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
