You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
