I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
